2023- Still healing physically and mentally, as these kinds of accidents take time. All while I still wasn’t even settled in a new home in BC because I came out and stayed with a friend until I could get situated but it was starting to look like that was never going to happen. Thankfully, I had some faithful friends and family that supported me during this time of disfunction and healing but with that came hardship because it’s hard taking care of people with brain trauma, especially if you know them to be a strong and focused individual. It was hard to talk and explain myself to people I loved. I wasn’t the same, I couldn’t respond quickly or have regular conversations. Everything was very overwhelming to me and it was hard to be around people. It was good to have help but it was also very debilitating because I couldn’t manage most emotional interactions with ease or regulation. I needed isolation for healing to finally begin. 

I felt like I was constantly dealing with heartbreaking situations throughout this time. Looking back at it now I’m sure it would have been hard to be around me as I was constantly spacing out and not really sure of myself. It was so disorientating to be in the middle of a move, the world shutting down and now your brain doesn’t work. It really was a crazy time. I felt like I was dealing with a lot of people that lacked  empathy or awareness but you can’t tell from looking at someone they are broken on the inside or in their brain ( we all go through seasons of lack of empathy so this is not to point a finger or be a victim but it still hurts when it’s happening in the moment). I realize at this point God allows it all. It helps strip us of any expectation of the human race and helps us put all of our trust in Him. Sometimes it takes betrayals and abuse of various types for us to see we don’t need anything or anyone but Him. He works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose- Romans 8:28. He also allows us to see and learn to forgive others just as He forgives us. None of us do right all the time and we all hurt people knowingly or unknowingly. It’s not easy to forgive when you are in pain but these things must also be tested within us. After all, Jesus showed us best when He said “ Forgive them Father, they know not what they do”- Luke 23:34 .  He helps us endure and helps us give it back to Him. 

Don’t worry, there were some extra special gifts in this year also to replace the losses and betrayals. I would name them here but the list is way too long and I wouldn’t want to boast either, as some of it was really too much and way to extravagant. God is so good and that’s all! When you know Him, you know what I mean. He always does above and beyond what you can ask or think; it’s just crazy awesome!

At this point, I really want to emphasize, although I am sharing these dark moments, God’s light was still shining along, even when it didn’t feel that way. I had great blessings throughout every bit of this trial season but I want to make note of the hard times, for people that look at others and  think they have it so good or all together. We all have trials and we all suffer in different ways. It may seem like some have it better than others but ultimately it’s the peace in our heart that determines who is winning and true peace can only come from God; He is Peace, He is love, He is joy….and He invites all of us to experience that. I’m not special or just one of the lucky ones. No, I called on Him and know I need Him every single day, we all do.

2024– A start of light and turn around with surprise connections and love but to be met with some more death of long terms friends——BUT, the ending of some sorrows and the beginning of something new. Blessings started pouring out in a different kind of way that I could never have expected. The healing really started to set in this year, He opened the door to a different way of life that I wasn’t accustomed to but brought a different level of healing and wholeness. It was life giving but not something I would have naturally chose. He is always up to something interesting. Sometimes it may feel like a loss at times but there is always something new around the corner. It’s hard letting go of things we once loved at first but then you start to see why some things have to die. Without death there is no room for something new, something better.  Something about that death and resurrection cycle that speaks even deeper as we go through our own death and resurrection seasons. 

I am only telling you this brief because I stand here today with praise on my lips as I praise God for His healing in my body, my mind and my soul. He connected me to every single thing I needed in terms of natures healing elements, proper food, exercise, doctors and experts to guide and educate. He made me aware of the devils behind the helpers with ill intensions and saved me from surgeries and advise that would have hindered my progress. He led me to proper supplementation, kind and loving support from strangers when family and people I would have normally relied on couldn’t meet the need. He covered my finances for everything I needed in miraculous ways while I was unable to produce or work. He gave me time to sit with Him and get deeper understanding of His love and mercy. I would never have given Him the time we got during those years otherwise. I was always too busy working, chasing dreams and building. I needed the rest season more than I could have known. I learned to slow down, I learned to linger with Him over coffee and reading His word. I gave Him more time (or I should say, He gave me more time, I can’t really give Him anything) and learned to worry less. Heck, it seemed like death was constantly on my doorstep for a while so I might as well just hang out with Him now because that’s what it’s going to be like in eternity anyway. I would much rather get to know Him here and now than wait until He decides if He knew me or not.